But really, just taking a shovel to Max Mosely sounds too limited. Why not spread the shovel-y joy? There are many more people in my life who would benefit from the instructive power of a shovel to the head. And so I came up with
We'll start, of course, with Max Mosely, purveyer of fine stupid ideas. *BAM*
Next we'll move on to the coworker who overnight left upon my chair a box and note on violent yellow paper that fails to correctly list the error message received -- or which of the 20-odd programs I support generated it. *BAM* You are an IT person, and so should know better. Receive an extra whack for your immitation blondeness: *BAM*
And before we move on from this coworker, I have a few extra honors to bestow, for cluelessness above and beyond the call of duty.
For not remembering which computer the error was received on, I award you one whack with Sandpanther's silver shovel: *BAM*
For not getting the name of the person who reported the problem and thus denying me any possibility of being able to get more information than the paltry and confused lot that you gave me, I award you with another whack from Sandpanther's silver shovel: *BAM*
For not noticing that the programs running on two different computers are CLEARLY and REALLY REALLY OBVIOUSLY not the same program since they DON'T LOOK A BIT LIKE EACH OTHER, I club you over the head repeatedly. *BAM* *BAM* *BAM* It's nothing personal. I'm just hoping that a little impact adjustment might help your troubleshooting and data gathering skills.
Imitation blondness reminds me of the chick who double-parked at the narrow entrance to the parking area and then wandered away. *BAM*
To Corrado Provera: I know you haven't said anything this week to piss me off. Still, I know that sooner or later you are going to, so have a preventative shovel smiting. *BAM*
To my dearest coworker Fluffy: You should be smitten just on general principle. But in the interests of this being an instructive smiting, let me repeat the specific conversation that earned you the smack for today:
Fluffy: My problem was that I was sympathizing with him, since he was here until 9 PM last night. But really, you just have to tell him what to do and he has to do it.
Nameless coworker: Yes, but I feel sorry for him, since he was here so late and he was sick and all.
Fluffy, your cluelessness and lack of human compassion have reached an unparalleled level. And for that, I am proud to award you a smack from Sandpanther's silver shovel. *BAM*
Oh, and since I know that the reason that there was all this last-minute panic that required my sick boss to have to work a thirteen-hour day was due to your cluelessness and laziness, I want to particularly recognize your lack of efforts by smacking you with the shovel just one more time. *BAM* *BAM*
(Okay. I know that was two more times. I just couldn't stop myself. Call it a relfex.)
To my programatic forebearers: I know you were clueless geezers who had never worked with this programming language before. But dammit, you should at least have learned good coding procedure and what the *(# subroutines are for. But I see no evidence that you did, and for that, I whack you.
To the first person who says "but modern audiences won't watch
To the stupid HR person who made me file a Workman's Comp claim - specifically against my wishes - when I requested someone to come in and do an ergonomic assessment on my desk so that I wouldn't get an injury that required me to file a Workman's Comp and two weeks later has yet to actually get someone in to take a look at my workstation, *BAM*
And last -- but never, never least -- let us have one more large shovel smack to Max Mosely, for coming up with Yet Another Stupid Idea which in turn inspired someone to mention the whole idea of smacking him with a shovel. I needed some stress relief, and taking a shovel to the petty annoyances in my life was just what the doctor orders (if any doctor would order taking a shovel to someone, which I suppose they really wouldn't; but at least the thought is there.) I know that coming up with Really Stupid Ideas is one of your fortes, but I wanted to make sure that your contributions were recognized and rewarded: *BAM* *BAM* *BAMITY* *BAM* *BAM*
I feel better now. Anyone else want to take a swing at something? *offers shovel*